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It has been a long year. I don’t even remember last writing, but it looks like I did when I first started my summer job. Overall, it was an incredible experience – I got to start appointments, go through discharge instructions with owners, do a ton of technician tasks (such as placing catheters, anesthesia, even wildlife euthanasias) and even got to perform a few surgeries on feral cats. The team I worked with was incredible, and they trusted me with a great deal of responsibility. Needless to say, when they offered me to continue working super part-time throughout the year, it was impossible to refuse. Emergency medicine (with general practice) is incredible. Days are so varied, you get to build relationships with clients and your team members, and are challenged in many ways. I am not writing this post so much to talk about that, but I figured an update on that was in order.
It is January 26th. Today I helped run and participate in an AAEP dentistry workshop with our equine club. This Wednesday is our final OSCE. I was just doing some studying for it, but I have gotten to the point of not knowing what else to study with the exception of some CRI practice. It’s a good place to be in. Tomorrow Ev and I will practice some equine limb radiographs and some urinary suturing, and that will be about it. I just cannot wait to be done. Even if I have to resit, I don’t even care – those are so much easier to prepare for because you know what they are going to test you on. Next weekend will be spent studying for equine medicine and advanced health management (aka. pig medicine and management), for exams the following Monday and Tuesday.
On top of the exams, there are multiple quizzes, notes to write and distribute to classmates and of course, the draft. The draft is about the biggest most exciting thing of the semester. It will determine our fate for the following year. Think of it as the sorting hat in Harry Potter, combined with an NHL draft all focused on where you will be going to practice for rotations. Our school has four “AOEs” which are essentially a “Major” but less formal. Our program and UCVM works in a way that you have to do two 2-week rotations at the school in pathology and diagnostics, 4 month-long “GVPs” where you do one month of equine, one month of small animal, one month of production animal and one month of rural mixed. After that, you select 10 weeks of rotations in your “AOE”. Currently, we have four AOEs: Equine, Production, Ecosystem & Public Health, and Investigative Medicine (ie. Research). In case you didn’t catch it, companion/small animal is not an option. So for me, I decided that doing equine would meet more of my goals than any other AOE available. Most of the rotations are close to home, the clients have a somewhat similar perspective (in that they value the individual animal for emotional reasons) and are willing to often pursue advanced diagnostics (such as bloodwork). The animals are still often companions, so I can work on building relationships similarly to how I would in a small animal or mixed practice. Many missions trips involve equine practice as horses are used for work and transportation. Lastly, I hope to have a horse someday, so being able to do some basic veterinary care (such as dentistry, wound repair, vaccines, etc.) would be beneficial to become comfortable with.
So back to the draft. We all get our names thrown in a draw, then go down the list, pick our chosen rotation, then back up again choosing another. Then the names are re-drawn and a new list is made for the following two rounds. Sorting out the school rotations and GVP’s takes a whole evening, then another evening is dedicated for the 10 weeks of AOEs and 10 additional weeks of electives. I am going to NC ASPCA for a spay/neuter externship, so this two-weeks is already included in my 10 weeks of electives. That leaves only 8 weeks of open options on draft night. Our class has decided to do a potluck, especially since the second evening takes about 5 hours to get through.
Squished into these 3 days of drafts, midterms and a CPR competition, is my CUPS program, where I go downtown with a group of students to do free vaccines and exams for low income owners. I have to submit a reflective journal submission regarding how it went, which is due before draft night number two starts. How crazy?!
So, on to the other fun stuff. I am going to Mexico during my singular week off between 3rd and 4th year to do a missions trip with CVM (we end on April 26th and start up again May 6th). Most schools have a normal 8 month 4th year, but because of the seasonality of large animal practice, and that our school doesn’t have a teaching hospital, we do 12 months instead. We still get all of December off, and 4 weeks of rotation blocks that won’t be filled. CVM is an organization focused on supporting Christian veterinarians in practice and missionary veterinarians and technicians. During our trip we will be doing spays and neuter surgeries primarily, which is pretty exciting. The surgeries are quite economical, and as such will likely give us more comfort when we get to do more gold standard medicine in our fourth year. This means no anesthesia machine (only injectables) and no gowning (only open, sterile gloving). This sort of mass sterilization clinic truly improves the health of people – as animal overpopulation causes the spread of many zoonotic (that is diseases that can be spread from animals to people) diseases. One of those diseases includes rabies. Vaccinating against rabies is also hugely beneficial, as rabies vaccines in pets are far cheaper than human rabies vaccination (It costs $600-$1000 for a human to get vaccinated for 1-3 years, for a pet it averages $30). This has to do with how vaccines work, and how much more difficult it is to safely develop a good human vaccine.
Our CVF group has become more important in my life recently – our new group leader (who is in first year) really pushed for a weekly meeting of worship and prayer. In past years turnout has been poor – but our once a week before class in a soundproof professional skills room has been amazing. In twenty or so minutes – we do 2 worship songs, a short devotional and prayer before we start the day. I love her so much, and I praise God for her. We met at a RLRI conference last year, while she was still trying to get in. We were so excited when she got the news.
As of today, I have a large portion of this trip funded. Half of my trip costs have been fundraised, and one of the surgeons leading our trip has paid for all of our flights. Praise the Lord for his generosity! I still have some funding and prayer letters to write, but overall I am incredibly excited. One of those reasons is because a friend of mine in my class who walked away from her faith years ago, came back to Jesus this past year and will also be participating. We have been praying for her immensely since we started school, so this is incredibly encouraging. I am so excited for our group to all share our testimonies. Testimonies are huge faith builders for me personally – I love hearing how God has worked in other people.
I have been struggling lately with extreme anxiety – something I am not medicated for, but have done testing with results less than ideal. I have been trying to mitigate this with exercise (although this has been lacking this past week) and trying to take time for myself. Taking time for myself has definitely fallen short. I think this has been the biggest contributor of my stress. I am highly introverted regarding my recharging needs – and I haven’t had those. With surgery days, I don’t often get home until after 9pm, and living with my family hasn’t provided alone time I need. I love spending time with them, but even over Christmas break I didn’t have an hour alone that wasn’t spent sleeping. Even this past 30 minutes sitting in Starbucks writing this blog post has started to heal my weary soul. I also read some of the psalms on Thursday evening. They are sooo good. my favorite will always be Psalm 23, but also Psalm 91 is incredibly encouraging. One of my bridesmaids has this as ‘her chapter’ (which I did not know about). At my wedding, I got her a mug with a short snippet of this chapter, just because I loved it and thought it would be encouraging – needless to say God had an influence there and she was amazed. I have included both chapters below (in ESV):
Psalm 23:
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.
Psalm 91:
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his pinions,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.
You will not fear the terror of the night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only look with your eyes
and see the recompense of the wicked.
Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place—
the Most High, who is my refuge[b]—
no evil shall be allowed to befall you,
no plague come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways.
On their hands they will bear you up,
lest you strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread on the lion and the adder;
the young lion and the serpent you will trample underfoot.
“Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
I will protect him, because he knows my name.
When he calls to me, I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”
So, Parker and I did move in with my family. Sure, it may seem like a step backwards, but it will give us a financial edge when it comes to preparing to start having children. Not in terms of having more money, but in terms of buying a house to raise the kids in. I am so grateful for Parker’s willingness and flexibility. I am so blessed to be married to him.
On another note, school has been particularily uninteresting overall, and the days have been long. Not to mention its been in the -20’s and -30’s this week, which doens’t add to the positivity and motivation. This weekend warmed up, and we took Dana and Jetty for a nice long walk. That was refreshing for sure.
I have been working on my video review assignment. In this, I have to watch a video of myself during on of my simulated client interactions. It was pretty painful to watch. First off, the client is angry the second I walk in, and then I am so nervous that I say things such as “totally”. Good job.
I am still trying to have some hope for the future, and some motivation for now. I decided to write this blog post to try figure out what motivates me. I really enjoy drawing. Last semester over our short fall break, I did a pastel portrait of Dana for myself, which was so great. Unfortunately, I was hooked and lost much of the motivation I had to do anything else. While I did in fact pass all of my exams, they weren’t the most invigorating to study for. I want to travel, experience things that scare me, do what I am most passionate about, and most importantly, love people. I am really interested in dentistry, small animal surgery, and medical illustration. I definitely have split passions, which makes having a definite vision difficult. Part of me wants to move away from here, but I know that I would miss it (probably too much). I want to have children, but part of me also doesn’t want to. I want to specialize in some area of vet med, but part of me wants to work part time and do medical drawings from home while I raise my kids (that I may or may not want). Part of me wants to excel in classes and part of me doesn’t care about doing more than the minimum. Part of me wants the house really clean, but part of me doesn’t care enough to do anything about it. Part of me wants a structured schedule but part of me wants to say yes to anything at the last minute. Oh, what is a girl to do? Just keep floating along? Maybe make a vision board like I did before? I did that before I got into vet school, and I am sure it gave me motivation if nothing else.
“Where there is no vision, the people perish.” Proverbs 29:18
Today, we heard an update from a previous youth pastor who took on an all new role as a community something or other pastor. He and his wife, along with some other Christians they knew, set up a sort-of house church (that is technically an outpouch of our own church). They had been throwing ‘parties’ and other get-togethers to draw people into hearing the gospel that would never otherwise agree to attending a church service. The work that had already been done in four months was jaw-dropping, and I felt so inspired. It really did seem like a prime example of both missional living, and stories that would have fit right in with Bob Goff’s “Love Does” book (which is my favorite book written this millennia).
I also want to take more time to draw pictures for people in my program of their pets. It would be nice to do that before I am done, at least for my small group of friends (6 people). I am loving life, despite its challenges.
Christmas just ended. It was nice, mostly. We did our classic Christmas Eve skate, sled, movie and my dad’s story. He writes a new Christmas story every year, and they are always the highlight. Christmas Eve is almost sacred in a sense, and I have yet to spend it with Parker. He did come home on time for the movie though (and the story to follow). Clearing snow has one clear advantage: it’s a job that pays money. So I can’t really complain. In our economy, a job that is full time at minimum wage is lucky, above that is spectacular. Except Christmas Eve (after dinner)/Christmas day (until dinner ended) was the only real time I have spent with Parker this entire break. He works (12-20 hours straight), gets home, sleeps immediately, wakes up and leaves for work within minutes. I know he needs to sleep, otherwise accidents could happen. But it doesn’t make it any less difficult for me to spend my mere 10 days break without him. He’s here in front of me right now, but he’s sleeping. I was telling him a few days ago I was thinking I should get one of those machines from inception, so I could spend time with him in his dreams, while he still gets real sleep. He is really dedicated and working hard. And I love him, and I miss him more than anything.
Our landlord and his new party roommates upstairs have gotten worse. After multiple loud events taking place between 1 am and 4 am, I requested a noise curfew on weeknights. Of 12am. “That sounds reasonable” our landlord said. Well of course, it’s more than reasonable, 10 would be reasonable actually, but I am being generous. The day after my last final, I was at home sleeping alone (Parker was working). Large stomps from upstairs yelling “OH SHIT!!!” amongst others, and the sound of someone puking. Parker contacted the landlord about this, and lo and behold it was our landlord himself, arriving home drunk from a Christmas party. You see, I don’t really care why you started yelling at one in the morning. If your Christmas party was a day or two earlier it would have been right before an 8:30am exam. So that’s it. I am done.
We have looked at a couple places, but then I started thinking again about my parents’ offer to let us live in their basement. You know, where nobody starts yelling at one in the morning, I can have my dog around, Parker can play his drums when nobody is home (which is quite often) and we can actually save up for a house to raise the children in, that we both would prefer having sooner rather than later. Obviously, this would be a huge compromise for both sides (us and my parents), but at the same time, I see it as better than the following:
Us moving into a shared place for a grand each month (plus internet), not allowed to have any animals around, then have to move again within in a year (or stay and constantly share a kitchen with strangers), then move again into another potentially crappy location (where Parker cannot play his drums), that may be noisy, that will cost lots of money, that we may have to move out of after a short amount of time, that may or may not allow me to have animals around. Then, when I eventually graduate, I will work somewhere, and we will still be renting somewhere crappy while trying to save up for somewhere (Parker still can’t play his drums, I may or may not have a pet around and/or get sleep) so that we can buy a house five years down the road (ie. 29 years old if the house prices don’t skyrocket), then maybe have kids at 30-31 (and I suppose up to 35 since we want multiple children), then have thrown away 8 years worth of rent (1000x12x8=96,000$, the cost of 1/4 of an owned house), and be older parents, and that’s it. That is our life. And then, the time while we are renting and saving for a house will be too costly, so we won’t actually be vacationing or whatever like most people do in their twenties before they have children, no, we will just be paying for our pride.
All the while, I will be suffering from depression, because I am now, and I don’t have any medications, and I suppose I should go to my old family Dr. and see if maybe she can prescribe me something or whatever. This life is really hard. And I am really unhappy, and I don’t know how to change.
Also, my summer employer still has not replied to the signed contract I sent them. I am definitely stressing out about that on top of everything else.
I am starting to realize just how divided my passion is. This is not necessarily something I should be saying right now. But I am. Over reading days, I scheduled the first evening of that 4-day break to draw. I started up a portrait of my dog, Dana, and finished it the following day. It was exactly what I needed; it also gave me an itch to draw more. Then I started dreaming of the future. As in soon after graduation. I will work part-time, hopefully doing mainly surgeries, spend the rest of my time at home doing artwork and also have children.
But then I was thinking, maybe there are others like me. I know Hannah enjoys painting, and she is quite good too. I did find in my searches some veterinarians who also do art. Some good, some bad. I then came across a woman who is a board-certified medical illustrator and a part-time veterinarian. I looked into it though, and you need to to formally trained in medical illustration which involves an intense professional master’s program, of which the only one in Canada is in Toronto. If I did that after vet school there would be no way for me to work concurrently, which I would have to do to keep up my work. Although now that I think of it, if U of C ever offers the medical illustration course again, maybe I will take that after I graduate. Just the course. Maybe someday get a degree over many years hahaha. The woman who has done it did her master’s before vet school. There is also AMI (association of Medical Illustrators) and I can join there as a student, but it costs $$$ and is american dollars. When I graduate maybe.
I feel like just sitting in the anatomy lab with all of my pencil crayons. Actually though. It is really difficult right now to focus on what I should be focuses on because exams aren’t for a while and I just don’t want to put anything in my brain it seems. It’s full. No room left. Please Lord, help me want to learn.
I really wanted to write this blog post on Friday night. My plan was to do 3 hours of studying, and spend an hour writing a well-thought out blog post that would motivate me to glorify God through studying.
My car lost a bunch of coolant at some point on that day (it was refilled the night before, couldn’t be sure of much). When I got home, Parker told me he got in a car accident the morning previous, and didn’t tell me on Thursday night because I had already seen his speeding ticket in the mail, and my car had no coolant. There was enough going on, he didn’t want to add the fact that he hit a parked car on his way to work. Well no kidding. So all of these things were just piling up and I couldn’t handle it. This, right before a weekend in which I had 4 exams to prepare for. So I of course couldn’t get any studying done, so we went to have dinner with my parents (in the car Parker had blown the mirror off on, it was being held on by duct tape).
Yesterday I tried to study hard all day. I don’t even remember what happened, but it was not the most productive day ever. Parker and I went out for pizza for dinner, and I fell asleep watching a sermon Parker had picked out, that just didn’t seem too interesting (it was on marriage).
Anyways, today I have been really motivated to study (45 minutes before church) and have been doing 50 minute intense study sessions followed by a brisk 10 minute break. I finished this last session 40 minutes early, so I decided I should write my blog post now.
Earlier in the week, I watched a video called ‘Business for the Common Good’ on RightNowMedia. It reminded me that not all are called to pastoral work or ministry within the church. We glorify God by using the gifts and scenarios he has given us to love people and glorify him. It made me think about my current path and calling in veterinary school. I am constantly feeling like school shouldn’t be so important, and it is taking away from important things (this may not be the most common perspective, I know). I realized watching this video, that studying and doing well in school is completely glorifying to God, assuming I am doing it for his gain and not my own. It was a huge paradigm shift, and makes sense. Everyone at our school knows that I am a Christian (I had to present the CVF group at Clubs Lunch) and so therefore people are watching me even more scrutinously, especially those searching for meaning. By studying well, working hard and relying on Christ, I am glorifying God.
“And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” Colossians 3:17
“So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. Give no offense to Jews or to Greeks or to the church of God, just as I try to please everyone in everything I do, not seeking my own advantage, but that of many, that they may be saved.” 1 Corinthians 10:31-33
“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” Colossians 3:23-24
“Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically.” Romans 12:11
“Do you see a man skillful in his work? He will stand before kings; he will not stand before obscure men.” Proverbs 22:29
“In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” Matthew 5:16
“Whoever works his land will have plenty of bread, but he who follows worthless pursuits will have plenty of poverty.” Proverbs 28:19
These are the reasons I need to work hard, and they are very powerful. As far as getting through this *poopstorm* that is financial upredictableness, I will lean into my creator and know that this is such a minor blip that will be considered irrelevant in the timeline of eternity. I am grateful for the people inmy life, the provision God has given, and the love that has showered me all of the days of my life. Lastly, I wrote these verses in Carl and Tanisha’s wedding card last weekend, and found the rough draft on my last study break; it just broke through to my soul (Psalm 23):
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.
Insurgent Lassie 